“I’m feeling lost, Ms. Veteran Affairs. Everything’s different, and I don’t know how to even start planning again.”

Susan’s voice trembled as she sat across from me, her hands clenched together on the coffee shop table. The weight of her words was familiar—so familiar, in fact, that I could almost feel her uncertainty as if it were my own.

“You’re not alone in this,” I said, giving her a reassuring smile. “A lot of military spouses go through this. The transition isn’t just for your partner—it’s for both of you.”

Susan had been referred to me by a mutual friend. She was at a crossroads, unsure of how to rebuild her and her husband’s life now that he had left the military after years of service. The military had always been their constant, and now that it was over, it felt like their world was spinning out of control. The structure, the support, the plan—everything was changing.

As I listened to her, I couldn’t help but think back to my own journey. My husband’s transition had thrown us both into a whirlwind, and it took time to recalibrate. The key, I learned, was in setting new goals—not just for him but for us as a couple. Together.

“Let’s start with understanding where you are,” I said, leaning in a little. “What are the things that are most important to you right now?”

Susan hesitated, then spoke, her voice quieter this time. “I feel like I’ve been putting everyone else’s needs ahead of mine—my husband, the kids. I just don’t know what my future looks like anymore. I don’t even know where to begin.”

I nodded. “It’s completely normal to feel that way, Susan. It’s easy to get wrapped up in everyone else’s needs, especially after a long military career. But right now, it’s important that you and your husband not only talk about the future but set goals together. Both of your needs matter, and your dreams do, too.”

Step 1: Understand Each Other’s Needs

“Before you can even begin setting goals,” I said, “you need to understand what’s on both of your minds. The transition affects everyone differently. Ask each other: What are you worried about? What do you want to accomplish in this new chapter? What feels uncertain?”

I shared how my husband and I had navigated this part. In the early days, we had to have some tough conversations. For him, it was about figuring out who he was without the uniform. For me, it was about not losing my own identity while supporting him. Our shared goal was clear, though—how could we continue moving forward, together, while honoring both of our journeys?

Susan took a deep breath. “We haven’t really talked about our needs since he left the military. I think we’ve both been so focused on getting by that we haven’t thought about what we want.”

“That’s the first step,” I replied. “Identify what each of you needs. From there, you can begin to set realistic, shared goals that will help bring some direction back into your lives.”

Step 2: Set Realistic Goals

“Now, it’s time to break it down,” I said. “Setting goals can feel overwhelming, especially when everything feels uncertain. But you don’t have to do it all at once. Small steps lead to big changes.”

Susan nodded slowly. “But what if we don’t know what our goals should be?”

I smiled. “That’s normal too. Start with the basics. Where do you want to live? How do you want to spend your time? What’s important to you both right now? Maybe your husband wants to go back to school, or maybe he’s looking for a new career. Maybe you want to explore new job opportunities, or you’re ready to focus on a hobby you’ve put on hold. Those are all goals.”

I shared how we’d worked together to find a rhythm. My husband needed time to focus on his mental health after leaving the military, and that meant adjusting our family’s expectations. We also had to balance career and family needs, something that took constant recalibration.

Step 3: Balance Career and Family

“Now, this part is tricky,” I said. “You both need to balance your careers and family life. Sometimes, one person’s goals can feel like they’re taking over, but it’s all about compromise and support.”

Susan seemed a bit skeptical. “How do you even start balancing something like that?”

“Well, first, give yourselves permission to prioritize both,” I said. “You may need to split responsibilities. Maybe one of you is taking on more family duties while the other focuses on a career change. Maybe you both need some space to pursue your goals individually but still come together as a team at the end of the day.”

“We used to do everything together in the military,” Susan said, “so I’m not sure how to support him without losing myself in the process.”

“That’s a common concern,” I said. “But supporting each other doesn’t mean losing yourself. It means finding ways to celebrate each other’s individual successes and work together as a team. The key is to keep communicating.”

Step 4: The Power of Communication

“Communicate, communicate, communicate,” I emphasized. “It’s the backbone of any successful partnership. As you both navigate your new goals, check in with each other regularly. Make sure you’re both still aligned, and if something’s not working, address it before it becomes a bigger issue.”

I shared a story of how, during a particularly challenging period, my husband and I sat down every Sunday evening to review our week and adjust our goals. It wasn’t always glamorous, but it worked. It kept us connected and on track.

Step 5: Create a Shared Vision for the Future

“Finally,” I said, “it’s important to have a vision for where you want to be in five, ten, or even twenty years. This vision is the foundation for your goals. If you know where you want to be, the path becomes clearer.”

Susan smiled softly. “I’ve never thought about it like that. We’ve been so focused on surviving, I forgot about thriving.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Survival is important, but now it’s time to start living. It’s time to create a life where you and your husband not only survive but thrive.”

As Susan left, I could see a shift in her—an understanding that the future wasn’t just something to get through, but something to shape. And the best part? She wasn’t alone in this. She and her husband had each other, and together, they could tackle this new chapter as a team.

1. Start with a conversation: Understand each other’s individual needs before setting joint goals.
2. Break goals into manageable steps: Don’t try to do everything at once. Focus on what matters most.
3. Balance career and family: Compromise and prioritize what’s best for both of you.
4. Communicate regularly: Check in often and adjust goals as needed.
5. Create a shared vision: Focus on the bigger picture and build your future together.